


More

by Hakyeonsmelanin



Category: Kpop - Fandom, VIXX
Genre: Alcoholism, Angst, Death, Drug Use, F/M, Hanahaki Disease, Internal monologues galore, Mental Illness, Slight Obsession, Smut, Suicidal Thoughts, Unrequited Love, hanahaki au!, implied depression, just overall sadness, unprotected sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-23
Updated: 2019-02-23
Packaged: 2019-10-28 06:23:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,414
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17782247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hakyeonsmelanin/pseuds/Hakyeonsmelanin
Summary: To live without him, would be a death in itself.OrThe love you have for your childhood best friend proves to be deadly. The illness you develop sets you off into a twisted, dark world and only Jaehwan can save you from it consuming you.Hanahaki: The Hanahaki Disease is an illness born from one-sided love, where the patient throws up and coughs up flower petals when they suffer from one-sided love. The infection can be removed through surgery, but the feelings disappear along with the petals.





	1. Prologue: The beginning of the end

**Author's Note:**

> In this story, the reader quite obviously suffer from mental illness and clearly is somewhat obsessed with Ken but this is going to act as a catalyst for her character development!! She’s not going to be a perfect, sacrificial love interest though. She’s going to be jealous and angry and really cruel in some aspects because shes only human. Pls stay tuned and give me feedback! What do you think of this chapter? What do you want to see? Let me know my loves 💗

Lee Jaehwan was the most vibrant of red roses.

Blooming from nothing more than a meek, little bud, he transformed into a sensually silky rose, stained with the most breathtaking crimson hue. The colour of love. Passion. Lust. His beauty was ethereal, his laugh was music, his lips were the ambrosia you yearned to taste.

He was so far away yet so close.

He lived inside you.

He lived in the dark recesses of your mind, where thoughts of him consumed you. He lived in the depths of your soul, the truest and most real version of yourself being at his mercy. He lived in your body, where you wanted him to sate your carnal desires, you wanted him to strip you down and devour you. He lived in your _lungs_ through a thousand rose petals, stealing your breath from you, killing you softly.

At first it was a chest ache, sharp stinging that rippled through your body at each intake of breath. Then it worsened. The pain in your chest travelled up to your throat, making it tighten and narrow, cutting off your oxygen supply. You began to have coughing fits which progressed from being occasional to a daily occurrence, day and night. They would wake you from your sleep and leave you a wheezing, struggling mess. It felt like death. It was death.

_”Hanahaki Disease?” You repeated, eyes wide in shock._

_The doctor looked at you with mournful eyes, full with pity. How hard it must’ve been to be you. To live without love. “Yes. Have you heard of it?”_

_You had. It was the scariest thing in the world. “...Briefly.”_

_”It’s a disease that affects the lungs, which is why you’ve had trouble breathing,” His voice was quiet, almost trying to soothe you. It wasn’t working._

_“The...illness, itself, emerges from unrequited love but it only affects people who have the dominant gene for it. ” A sudden heaviness built up in your throat. The doctor paused for a moment._

_“There are flowers currently blooming in your lungs. Those are most likely flowers that the person you...love favours. We can go through your possible options but I’m afraid if you choose not to receive any treatment...the flowers will eventually suffocate you to death.” His eyebrows were furrowed, eyes downcast almost shamefully. Your head was spinning. How much more pathetic could you get?_

_“...I’d like to discuss my options, please.”_

_”Of course.” He leaned forward, grabbing a brochure he had next to him. “There is medication you can take to help with the symptoms. That includes nausea, vomiting, chest and head pain as well as lethargy but this is just way to suppress the problem. If you want, there is always the option of getting surgery done to remove the flowers, which is obviously permanent.” There was more to it than that, though. There always was._

_”Then I’d like to go for the surgery. When do you think I can get it done?” **No. No. No. please don’t say it. Don’t say it.**_

_”It isn’t that simple, Miss Y/N. By removing the flowers, the feelings you have for that person will also disappear. You’ll be virtually unable to love them ever again. For many patients, it ruins their relationship with the person. They’ll be a stranger to you and most likely, remain that way.”_

_It was as though the entire universe had collapsed on you. The weight of the earth, moon, stars, sun, the fires of hell and the seven heavens themself had charged at you, crushing your diminutive form. All you, sad, piteous you, could do was blink at his words. Blink and respond with a shaky, breathy voice._

_”...How long do I have left?”_

_You could’ve sworn his eyes were glassy, sparkling slightly before his thinly wired spectacles. “It varies with each person. Some have months, even years and others, only weeks. For you I’d say around six and half months.” His voice was thick, distorted in your ears. Six and a half months. Six and a half months until you would die._

_”...Can I think about this, please?” Any second now, you would break down._

_”Yes, yes, of course. Take all the time you need,” you would’ve laughed at his choice in words if your head wasn’t throbbing so badly. You hadn’t had any time left at all. “ Just take this, then and book an appointment when you feel you’re ready to talk.” He smiled at you widely in consolation. You returned it with a heavy heart._

_Taking the brochure, you nodded. “Thank you, Doctor.”_

_Walking out of the clinic, your walls came crashing down and streaks of salty tears began to flow out of your eyes. Your lungs were closing up on you, your entire body imploding. How could you betray yourself like this?_

_And as your tears fell, the only thing on your mind was his name._

**_Lee Jaehwan. Lee Jaehwan. Lee Jaehwan. Lee Jaehwan. Lee Jaehwan. Lee Lee Jaehwan. Lee Jaehwan. Lee Jaehwan. Lee . Lee Jaehwan. Lee Jaehwan. Lee Jaehwan. Lee Jaehwan. Lee Jaehwan. Lee Jaehwan._ **

_He loved red roses._


	2. Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You reflect on how you came to meet Jaehwan and discuss the topic of love with him briefly.
> 
> Then he gets a girlfriend and you feel what’s left of your world come crashing down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Sorry it too kind so long to upload :( I’ve had so much schoolwork. I’m this chapter, the reader’s struggles with making friends and there’s pretty in depth descriptions about depression so beware of that.

You had known this already, long before your diagnosis. _You were already dead._ Alone and cold, rotting from the inside out with each passing day. You lived on the Earth and yet were so far under it, so distant and detached from it, from society. A walking corpse. A ghost. Always looming in the background, desperate to breathe again. Always longing for _more._ You would not get it. You didn’t deserve it. After all, there were much more beautiful people, people with kind smiles and gentle eyes and a comforting air of geniality about them who were much more deserving. Not sullen, sickening you.

**Filth. That’s what you are. No one would want filth.**

Somehow you had gotten mixed up with such people. Perhaps they pitied you. Perhaps they genuinely liked you. But you were so captivated with the people of this calibre, the ones with the shiny smiles and sweet faces that once you set eyes on them, you found you could not look away. It was so painful and yet, you always went back for more. No matter how devoted you were, how badly you wanted to please them, it never stopped them from leaving you in the end. Once they began to tire of you, they always distanced themselves, throwing you away, like a child with an old toy they grew out of playing with. As each friendship broke, so did your bleeding heart piece by wretched piece. Why did no one want you?

And then came Lee Jaehwan. The one who broke the cycle. He kept you. Even back then he was so exuberant, so full of the life and the passion you lacked. He was like a gentle summer breeze; cooling and almost healing, unbeknownst to him. You were quiet where he was loud, an air of intensity always around you. You were something else entirely. A _hurricane._ A whirling mess of emotion; pain and regret; longing and desire; jealousy and envy. All of this _shit_ hidden deeply under the eye of the storm, the calmest part of it all. The surface that everyone saw. Maybe that was what it made all work, though. The contrast between your personalities may have acted as a balance, giving your friendship the strength and longitivity that it had. You pulled him back when ventured out too far into the unforgiving world; his smile guileless, face so sincere. He, in return, pushed you out of the shell, the dark crevice you were hidden inside so comfortably- you were so afraid. You were dark and he was light. You were death and he was life. But somehow, the lines between friendship and love had blurred and you had fallen for him. Helplessly. Deeply.

It had hit you like suddenly, on a normal day of school. That day was like any other yet so so special. Jaehwan sauntered down the hall with a cheeky grin on his face and he was looking at you, walking over to you, his best friend. The unwanted one. But just seeing his eyes, _those eyes_ , so round and passionate, you could only think one thing.

**Teach me how to live.**

**_You’re damned. Twisted. He wouldn’t want you._**

****

****

Over the years, you had watched him turn from a boy to a man. He had shared his dreams, his innermost thoughts and feelings but never anything other than platonic love for you. **I bet you wish you never met him now.** You tried to resent him for it. You had known him since you were children, grew up with the man. How could he possibly not have had any indication of how you felt? A small, squeamishly paranoid part of yourself suspected that he already knew and was simply ignoring it. How cruel of him to do so. **No, you’re wrong. Jyani would never do that.**

****

Some nights, you would stay up and tell yourself you despised him with all your being, repeating the words endlessly. You chanted the words like a prayer, sang them like a song and still. Nothing came of it. You were still weak. A bitter, cold sensation filled you and it chilled you to the bone. It spread though you like poison in your bloodstream. Like a raging flame. Angry. Unwavering. Ready to burst. 

****

It was just so lonely.

****

“I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I fucking hate you.” You closed your eyes, breathing in deeply. The silence around you, the darkness of the night was comforting. No one would know your secret here.

****

”I hate you. I hate yo-“ Heat rose up in your throat, a searing flash of pain gripping you mercilessly. You doubled over onto the mattress of your bed, coughing harshly. Your head was buried into your duvet, staining it with the droplets that fell from your eyes.

****

_”...I h-hate...you..”_

****

You had never told a bigger lie.

~

”Have you ever been in love?”

The question flew from you lips before you could stop it. Cringing slightly, a pang is regret filled you. **Stupidstupidstupidstupid**

Jaehwan only looked up from his phone, although continuing to scroll absent-mindedly. His expression was amused, eyes sparkling with mirth. **So pretty. So pure.**

”That’s a loaded question.” His voice contained a hint of gravity, concealed with his usual playfulness. Jaehwan turned to you now, and you nodded whilst swallowing dryly. You forgot to buy some cough drops this morning.

”...But, I don’t think I have. I’ve had girlfriends before and I loved them. I don’t think I was _in love_ with them, though.” he trailed off and you hummed in agreement.

Bristling at this, you casted your eyes downwards. If you looked at him now, he would’ve seen through you and found your true deceptive, lying self. The monster within, full of flowers.

”What’s the difference?” Jaehwan made a sound of interest and was silent for a moment. Then he spoke.

”...I think all of us have loved before. We’ve all been attached to someone, or even the idea of being with someone. Enjoy them and their company. But to be in love is completely different. That’s the ultimate sacrifice.” He paused for a moment, almost penitently.

“Sacrifice?”

”Yeah. Could you imagine giving all of yourself to a person? Sacrificing your own heart, showing even the ugliest parts of yourself to someone just because you want to feel closer to them? Knowing there’s a chance it might not even last?”

He leaned forward now, his phone long forgotten. “How come you’re asking? Are you talking to someone? Do you think you’re in love with them?”

Yes and no. What you felt transcended love. It was your nature, at this point. Loving him was apart of you, something so horribly insurmountable.

You felt like cutting yourself open and ripping those flowers out, petal by fucking petal.

“Mmm, no, there’s no one. I was just curious, I suppose.”

He grinned at you, flopping his head down onto your shoulder. “Even if you do get in relationship, you’ll love me more, wont you?” Jaehwan looked up at you through his lashes teasingly.

”Always.” 

~

****

It was said that the universe worked in mysterious ways. Perhaps that was the case, but in your exerience, the universe was more cruel than perplexing. It took from some and gave to others, handed out misfortune one day and granted you all your wishes the next. In an endless cycle of taking and giving, giving and taking, you had one question: Why did it take everything from you?

****

Exactly two weeks from your diagnosis, Jaehwan had told you of his new girlfriend.

****

It made sense. He had been distant, recently. The usual surplus of cute dog pictures and badly edited memes you recieved from him on a daily basis ceased, albeit abruptly. Even when he was in your company, he was distracted, checking his phone and sitting with a bovinely content expression on his face. He wanted something that you couldn’t give him. You wondered what it was. What did you lack? What made you so unlovable?

There she stood, so delicately formed, the very epitome of sensuality with long legs and a curvaceous figure. She seemed to possess a sort of pearlescent glow about her, as though she was a divine being instead of a mere woman. Her eyes were dark, dangerous. You couldn’t compete. 

Jaehwan’s head was tucked tightly into the crook of her neck, drawing her into a close embrace. His smile was bright, luridly so and it reached his eyes which crinkled into sweet crescent moons. You had never been able to stir such joy from him.

**He never wanted you. That’s why.**

****

They were beautiful. That much was undeniable. Their heights were complimentary together, not too much of a difference but not too little. They carried an air of confidence around that made you want to watch them, get to know them. The kind of people with shiny smiles and sweet faces and a comforting air of geniality about them. Jaehwan and his _slut_ , together, were perfection.

_”I’m serious about her. I think she’s the one.”_

That night, you were hunched over the toilet seat, the contents of your stomach spilling out violently. Then you felt it. It scratched its way out of your mouth and you could not help but stare at it through blurry, teary eyes. You screamed.

****

A single leaf.

****

Vivid green, it taunted you.


End file.
